Reading a friend's blog earlier kind of inspired me to jot down my own meaningless thoughts, to be salvaged or perhaps even treasured some day.
It's been close to 2 years since the first proper post that I've written here. How much things have changed since.
The most apparent change is the lack of socialising.. the lack of parties and the overall seclusion of one self.
To correct that notion, I'm not really being anti-social or secluding myself from the world. (Ok, maybe a little bit, but that's not the point) It's just different I guess. Something within me has shifted, changed, evolved. The constant smilling, hugging playing at society's games has me gagging and worn out.
But no, that doesn't seem quite right either. Don't get me wrong, I still love my darling friends, and I still enjoy the not-so-occasional drinks. But I no longer chase after parties or the whole sex-drugs-rock&roll thing anymore. I can't quite explain it, even though I try. I guess it's just a part of growing-up.
All of a sudden, I feel like I'm floating in limbo. Trying to discover the balance between being a working woman, a party girl.. and most of all, trying to discover 'me'.
If you were to ask anyone who has known me for a long number of years, they would tell you that I'm the most stubborn, obstinate, sure, directed person. So why, in the recent times, do I feel so dazed and confused. Suddenly, life doesn't seem as sure, as right or as easy as it used to be. Don't misintepret me, I know life isn't always easy... I mean it in the way that it was easy because I always knew what to do. Until now.
What could have sparked the sudden apprehension, the feeling of trepidition, the fear of maybe not being on the right path? The not knowing what I would actually do if I stopped doing what I do... The thoughts about what I actually really DO want to do keeps invading my mind..
Once upon a time, I knew for sure.. my every move calculated, planned and executed accordingly. Now, the tidal waves of life just sweeps me up and I am carried by its currents with no idea on how to fight it, how to manage it, how to bring myself back to shore. Then again, the next train of thought would be, DO I want to go get back to shore? Wouldn't it be easier to just let life drift me where it should? Let fate take its course?
My biggest fear would most definitely be lost still when I'm older. It would be nightmarish if I were 30 and still stuck at the same position that I'm in. So ok, there are a lot of 30 yr olds that haven't progressed all that far, but that doesn't mean that I want to be just 'normal'.
All my life, I've been ahead of the pack, chasing, running, forcing my way to it. Then suddenly, all standards of life drops away. You're in the real world where anything can happen and there isn't a structure to keep you within the same rank as your peers. One friend might be cramming books still whilst another would be establishing their own businesses and yet others might be unemployed, or fighting with you for position, etc etc.
I guess for the past 2 years my life has been easy, constantly ahead of the curve since I graduated so much earlier than MOST of my peers. Even those who took the same path as I started off with their careers later than I, choosing to lounge or delaying the reality of life.
But since late 08/ early 09, everyone I know, or everyone that I'm close to seems to have broken through and joined me in this so-called real life. Dpn't get me wrong, I cherish them and welcome them with open arms. I finally have peers that understand my plights, my frustrations and my joys of the working world. But I guess, all that also means that if I don't somehow pull through and maintain my pace, I'm afraid that I would feel like a failure.
Yes, yes, no need to preach. I know that its not the make-all or end-all if my friends get ahead of me. But I guess it's the years of conditioning, the years of being ahead that leads me to be afraid. What if the people who used to respect me because of that no longer do? Essentially, I think all these negativity stems from my own demons, my own insecurities. My fear of not being needed, my fear of failing.
Ahh, sweet clarity only comes in the late nights. As do epiphanies.
good night.
