WARNING: Emo/Rant session below. Skip this post if you're not in the mood for depression.
No sweet prose or carefully strung sentences this time round. Am just feeling insanely frustrated/sad/irritated/depressed/i dont know what else today.
So, it's a Sunday afternoon, and unlike most Sundays where it's relaxing, chilled out and fun, I'm sitting in the office, working on a pitch. Or rather, I'm waiting on some work before rushing my ass off. But, that's not the reason for my current whirlwind of emotions. As usual, the only thing that can rattle me this much is, of course, and always be, boys.
Time and time again, i ask myself why I deliberately place myself in such situations. Its those classic situations where you know it isn't going to go anywhere, but still, you plunge right in, hoping that things would change. Because what is life without hope right?
Thats where the smart differ from the rest of us. The smart people know when to hope and when to let go.
I wonder if he knows just how much I care about him, etc etc. all the usuals in these situations. No point blabbering on about all the cliche i love you lines. But this whole weekend has made me realise just how pointless it would be for me to stay in this i-dont-even-know-what-to-call-it.
From a night of total freedom, passion and warm fuzziness that carried me through the day in a chirpy, happy mood, to a night that left me distracted then devastated and distraught, its just not worth it. As much as i might seem to be, I'm just not the kind of girl that is built to handle these rollercoaster of emotions.
The very fact that I totally sabotaged what could have potentially been an awesome night out proves that I should just let it go. All day long yesterday I was feeling happy but antsy, waiting for the moment when I could run off after work to see him and maybe hang out with him. But sadly, no such luck. And when things didnt go as I had hoped, I was totally depressed and irritated (ok, the pills may have contributed to heightening my already dark mood, but hey.)
In the end, instead of enjoying the concert, chilling and dancing with my friends, all I was hoping for was to see him. What a waste of a good night.
When my friends and I left the concert, I was on the brink of tears. Tired, frustrated and disappointed, I walked to the car to head home. Not entire sober either. I think i was just too tired even for tears. No tears for you. I now have to constantly remind myself that I AM who i am. I am good enough. I dont think i can go on to be an escape for you, or anyone else anymore.
In case you guys are wondering, no, im not upset with him. I'm more upset with myself than anything. He never lied to me, never claimed anything, never said that it would be more. Those were purely my hopes, my wants. So I bid thee au revoir, I'm gonna try to get over it.
Sigh, im so exhausted. Its been days since i've slept properly with work and all piling up up up.
I totally need a breather. Apparently, there's gonna be a party going down in Perhentian at the end of the month. Anyone up for it? Otherwise imma just go party it out on the island alone. A cocktail by the beach sounds like heaven right now. mmm..
On other news, Im waiting on news for my test. (awhile back i did a test to see why i haven't been getting my period. and no, im not preggers.)
Apparently the results are out. They're gonna post it to me. So i guess i'll find out soon enough. Odds are, im probably just stressed out or have excessive alcohol/chemicals in my system.
Lately, ive been hanging out with the girls ALOT. Its nice. I dont recall the last time we hung out so often. Our entire group of friends has always been centered around the guys we're dating at the mo'. Its nice to finally have a group that we can settle into. I guess life is changing. We're all growing older, we have more responsibilities and different lifestyles. I dont wanna fool around anymore. Time to grow up and work on the career bit.
Makes me wonder tho, is that all there is to life? When we were younger, our goals were to just get through school with passable marks to get into college. Once we were in college, our objective was to get through it, party hard, have fun, socialize and get our first taste of adulthood and get a hopefully good paying job afters. Now that I have achieved all that, im working, what am i aspiring for? A better post? more pay? my own place? my own car? And then what? A few yrs later, assuming that i have someone special, get married, buy a hse, buy a bigger car, get an even better job, raise the kids then send them off to college and look forward to my retirement? Then when i retire? live life day to day, wondering what next? zomg. Life seems to bleak when you put it that way doesnt it? I wonder.. IS there more to life? Seems like the age old ways of humans hasnt changed one single bit. It just got more colorful. But in essense, all we do is be created, procreate, and in the midst of all that, survive.
ah well, enough with the rants. Funner posts next time. I promise. Cheers mates. its back to the grind of work again.
