There are a lot of random times when I sit and stare, thinking, pondering, wondering.
I want to write, but yet, everytime I log into this space called
my blog, I freeze, and my mind refuses to let the words flow.
My fingers tap upon the keyboard, yet, I keep hitting the delete button after every few lines. But here I am, trying anyways.
Its been an interesting year. Once again, its December. Another day, another year. The older you get, the faster the time flies. As i reflect upon this past year, I frequently ask myself,
"Have I changed? For better? Worse? What have I accomplished? What next?" Plague with these questions, I go on an expedition, searching my soul, turning my life inside out and examining it.
In the past year, I think I have changed drastically. I feel the child inside me slipping away as more responsibilities are placed upon me, yet, every weekend, I strive to keep her alive. I break out, break free in hopes of sustaining my soul, my core. I cannot, will NOT lose who I am. The laughter, the happiness that comes with innocence.
So many things has happened in this year.. i have..
- Broken up with the boyfriend
- Met, dated and lived with a boy
- lost that boy
- Got close to some friends, and lost others
- Gotten to know myself and what I truly need/want/deserve from a relationship
- Come to terms with being single and OK about it.
- Changed my taste in music, people, fashion
- Changed my lifestyle
- Been an alcoholic and a junkie
- Recovered from my degenerative lifestyle
- and most recently.. for the 1st time in a long long while, really really really like a boy.
- but in the process of that, broken all sorts of personal rules I've set up for myself to keep out of trouble and avoid heartbreak.
Ok, so mostly, I'm still coming to terms with who I am now...
Just a few short months ago, I was a completely different person. Back then, all I was looking to do was to go out, have fun, meet guys, and trying to fill a void inside.
But now.. now, since I've met you and gotten close to you, my joy and my bane. It's as if you have somehow stilled my wanderlust, my constant search for the next thrill. You somehow silenced all the demons within me, showing me that I'm actually quite ok. That maybe I'm not so bad afterall.
I was having a conversation with Jesse last night, and she feels it too. Somehow, since we met this duo, we have slowed down and happily so. Gone is the need to validate myself. Because you somehow showed me that all I needed to do is to believe in myself. No, not with words though. You reassured me by believing in me, respecting me, even when I didn't have faith in myself. You saw thru all the bullshit that no one else really did. =) maybe that's why I care about you so much.
Or perhaps, coming from another perspective, I might be building up worlds in my head to justify how I feel about you. Romanticising the idea of you. For you, I have broken so many rules. For you, I have ignored so many warnings and I'm actually ready to face whatever that may come from jumping into this mess. So why can I still not admit it? Not even in the privacy of my own blog. Knowing that you probably don't even read this anyways.
Bah! ok. here goes. I think I need to get it out of my system.. maybe someday when I look back at this blog, I'd laugh, or shake my head at the naive optimism of the young, but I need to pour it out anyway.
As if it isn't obvious enough, I have fallen for you. For treating me the way you do. For caring about me when you didn't have to. For just generally being you, I have fallen for you. But there are worries and fears. But it's probably time to stop deluding myself. If others can see it so clearly, I should probably stop staying in my comfort zone and denying it. Sure, I'm afraid of getting hurt and heartbroken. But as cliche as it may sound, it's better to have loved and lost...etcetc. right? So here goes. Im in love with you. With no expectations whatsoever from having said that, I just needed to stop running from myself and admit it. Im in love with you...
